The Satirical: GOP Canidates Sacrifice Llama to Ghost of Ronald Reagan

The 8 leading candidates for the Presidency gathered this last 5th of June to pay homage to the great Ronald Reagan. It is widely believed that whomever most pleases the late Reagan will succeed in the coming election. And so, the candidates gather in a small parking lot in Tampico, Illinois, the great father's town of birth, to give him honors. The rise of the sun greeted the tributes to their last day- a Nicaraguan llama and a hastily constructed brick wall.

The Ceremony requires brown and black Llamas, and expressly forbids using white ones.

 Dawn. Congresswoman Bachmann rises to preside over the gathering like a Roman priestess in the temples of Tiberius. "On this June 5th, we beseech the great Reagan for his charisma, his coalition building skills, and the right to say we actually know something about his presidency."

The GOP rallying cry builds from the others, "Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay!"

Then, with her best Newsweek smile, the Representative from Minnesota slices the jugular of the llama tied, bleating, to the Alter of Small Government. The blood pools in the basin, and then begins trickling slowly down, drops hitting the dry pavement.  There is a hushed silence, but soon heads are raised, and a joint call for club sandwiches on white splits the calm.

"The llama is a complicated metaphor," explained candidate Mitt Romny, "it represents two things. First, the death itself represents the Great Reagan's contras, and the spilling blood is the blood of those killed as a result." The former governor took a large bite of his sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. "The other symbol is the blood on the alter. See how it's trickling down over there? That's the trickle-down economy."

When asked why so little of the blood was actually getting to the ground, Romny laughed, saying "Well why waste the blood on the ground? Perry's country club has this chef who makes incredible blood sausage. We're headed there after this to drink and watch our favorite movie."

 After a healthy, all-American meal, the candidates sit cheerfully to watch some German workers knock down the brick wall. "Well, that's easy- it's the Berlin Wall," explained Texas Governor Rick Perry, "No, we prefer to sit here and watch these Germans do the work."

The candidates fondly remember when The Great Regan raised the first hammer in 1989.

 The parking lot rings with the sounds of sledge on brickwork, Mrs. Bachmaan wanders over to explain the use of the space. "See, this used to be a little wooded grove. But we couldn't get our buses in here and the soft ground made it hard to stand the brick wall- so we just paved the whole thing over. Some local hippies tried to stop us of course, but, you know, they don't have any money so it's not like they could really do anything."

The wall falls around 10 a.m. to the cheers of the watching politicians. They then stand, shake hands, and depart, leaving behind an empty paved lot heaped with broken brick and Styrofoam sandwich containers- baking in the noon sun.