The Satirical: White House Casting Call for New Emmanuel Goldstein

Hundreds of terrorists, religious fundamentalists, political extremists, and bearded men will arrive in Washington for a casting call this Saturday. They will audition for America's next Emmanuel Goldstein, the government-selected focus of our collected hate and fear; a position now vacant following the assassination of Osama bin Laden.

Will Cat Stevens emit the soothing melodies of international terror?

"It's important we are ready to go with a replacement," said a senior White House adviser, "The American people need individual people to hate. The reality of the world's complexity is, frankly, beyond their grasp."

This use of a carefully tailored scapegoat is an important political tool for advancing legislation and building campaign momentum.

Did Joaquin Phoenix go off the deep-end... of Islamic fundamentalism?

"A catchy name and a few menacing photographs, audio and video clips, are all you really need,"  said Rob Vious, professor of Political Science at Georgetown. "Throw them on the news every one in a while and you can start wars without congressional approval, violate the sovereignty of other nations, trespass on civil liberties- all in the excuse to seek one man. And anyone who speaks against you is called a hippy, leftist, America-hating traitor."

For these reasons, the selection of a new hate-focus is a tricky proposition. There are many requirements for a successful Emmanuel Goldstein.

"They need to be a member of a minority group," said Prof. Vious, "otherwise American xenophobia won't be triggered. They need to look sinister; beards are good. And finally they need to have vague national loyalties, so you can act against more than one country. That flexibility is important."

Just how bad to the bone are they?

White House officials will be hard-pressed finding an equal to the late Osama bin Laden. "He was perfect," laments former Vice-President Dick Cheney, "He got us two wars, the Patriot Act, and ten years of phobia inducing terror alerts- And his trade-in-value!"

The capture of a scapegoat is a political goldmine, and President Obama was quick to capitalize.

"I told people to get him," said President Obama in his historical announcement last night, "and they got him."

And thus he became the President who got Osama bin Laden, a towering success over any Republican contender in 2012.